When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
