oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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