And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
