Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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