dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
