so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
