i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
