It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
this is an emotional support booty call
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
