At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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