I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
