The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
