I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
