i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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