it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
