life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
