I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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