Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
