he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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