There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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