did you get engaged???
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
