Do you still have your period?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We got so high we made milksteak
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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