Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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