Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
