I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
