I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
