Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
