I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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