I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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