All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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