I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
