i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i will never coherently bang her
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
