We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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