1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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