the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
