Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
