textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I deserve this hangover.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
