I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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