sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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