I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
