Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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