she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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