i jhust puked up my retainher.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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