I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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