I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
