when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
