Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell her she can't have a vagina
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
