Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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