you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
