I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
