hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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