My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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